THE BIBLE OF ITALIAN CUISINE
20 fundamental principles to keep in mind to survive Italy
- There is nothing called Italian cuisine. In italy you have 21 regions and 21 different cuisines. do not ask for pesto in Sicily, that’s Ligure! do not ask for carbonara in Veneto, that’s Laziale! do not ask for cannoli in Rome, that’s Sicilian!
- Italy is the only place in the world where food is good. The rest of the world eat chinese or Mc Donalds, both disgusting.
- My mum cooks better than yours. Also dads make good Italian food. So, in this case, my father cooks better than yours.
- Guess what? our food has got singular forms too! you can’t only have cannoli or gelati, you can also have one gelato and one cannolo.
- Cappuccino is strictly a breakfast drink. You cannot have cappuccino (nor caffellatte) at lunch, dinner or anytime you want. No, you are not free to choose in italy! If you wanna visit Italy, do it on our terms!
- No, we don’t eat savoury stuff at breakfast. Our breakfast is tremendously sweet, such as croissants filled with chemical jams. At hotels we serve what we call “international breakfast” which stands for “nauseating sausages for fat greedy bastards”.
- Wait up! pasta is not a side dish!!!!!!!!!
- There is nothing called alfredo sauce nor chicken parmijan in italy! those are american inventions! what if we made a so-called american pizza with fries on it, buddy?! well, we actually do it 🙂
- Spaghetti sauce is not Heinz sauce squeezed on overcooked pale pasta. This is going to shock you but you have to know that Tomato sauce involves real tomatoes and a well-done soffritto. It takes longer than clicking up Mr Heinz’s hat.
- Is this ice-cream or gelato? this is a stupid question to ask in Italy, don’t do that. We have only one thing and this thing is called gelato. In our world, ice cream is just the english translation for gelato.
- You italians eat so much pasta, how come you are not fat? coz we cook with fresh products, we make simple sauces and above all at home we serve human portions. Nope, pasta doesn’t make you fat, olive oil either. Google: mediterranean diet.
- Restaurant is where we Italians have pasta. Trattoria is also a place where we have pasta. Osteria is another place where we Italians can have pasta. But a café, my friend, It’s just a d***** café’! so please, do not eat pasta nor pizza at cafès! at least don’t do it in front of us!
- In summertime you don’t drink a cold red chianti my dear blond lady. Under 110 F° you want a cold white wine or a beer, got it!?!?! nobody shoots you if you drink beer in Italy!
- In Italy you order first, you enjoy your meal and finally you pay. So, don’t panic if you don’t get the check right away! nothing is wrong, nobody wants to cheat you, it’s just a sign of trust. Yes, it’s a good thing!
- Tipping: in Italy there is no tipping policy. Not tipping doesn’t make you an a**h**e. On the other hand, tipping makes you cool and helps you get some extra treat. Italians normally tip rounding up the bill when the restaurant provide a table service. Let’s say that on a 8,50 euro bill, I would leave 1,50 euro tip.
- Cheese does not match with every pasta. Grinding cheese doesn’t mean making the dish look like a cheese igloo. The Italian keyword is quanto basta, which means just right. Cheese is on the table to enrich the overall combination of flavours not to assassinate a 500 year old recipe. FYI: the word formaggio means cheese, not just parmesan!
- Yes, a full meal can be served in separate plates. One full-meal dish would make the lunch last too short. So what’s the purpose of eating then?!
- If our Italian God strikes you with all the lightnings he’s got left in his garage, this is probably coz you dared to think to put pineapple on pizza. This is the worst desrepectful thing you could do to Italian cuisine.
- We do eat pasta every day but we don’t make handmade pasta every single day. Actually we never make it! IF we do it, it’s probably a special occasion, like our dog’s birthday.
- Yes, you are too blond and your skin is burned, so you look like a tourist, but your destiny is in your hands my friend! do not sit at the first cute restaurant you see. If you get a coloured tourist menu with fancy photographs, trust me, you are not sitting at the right place. Photographs are for tourists, locals know how Italian food look like! So, be smart! Ask a local where to eat. You don’t know any local? just stop somebody passing by and ask “conosci una trattoria in zona? no posto turistico per favore!”.
BUON APPETITO. AMEN.